


lutalica

by ackerwhat



Category: HOTSHOT (Band), Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Choi Junhyuk - Freeform, Gen, Kim Timoteo, M/M, Mentions of Hotshot members, Produce 101 Filming, Produce 101 Never Team, Self-Esteem Issues, Sungwoon-centric, it's just that i'm very Sungwoon-biased and it pains me to see him getting kicked out, tagging? wat dat, which i had nothing against
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-03-22
Packaged: 2019-03-08 04:50:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13450923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ackerwhat/pseuds/ackerwhat
Summary: Sungwoon wonders, "What is it like being you?"There's a part of you that never really found a home, rattling around in categories that couldn't do you justice. You look around at other people, trying to judge how loosely they fit in their own lives, sensing a knot of confusion hidden beneath a name tag.- THE DICTIONARY OF OBSCURE SORROWS; lutalica -





	1. one.

**Author's Note:**

> another story on the cloud!
> 
> this is set after the second elimination round, and before the sorting of the new groups of the concept evaluation. 
> 
>  
> 
> Disclaimer: purely fiction.

 

하나

* * *

 

The creaking of dance shoes against the wooden floor filled the silence in the practice room. Everyone was on edge, faces etched with worry and uncertainty. _Your moves aren’t sharp enough_ , _your leg is in the wrong position_ , _there’s still some instability in your voice as you sing_ , _pour more emotions in your performance_ , these are the constant words the trainees in the ‘Never’ team had been hearing.

Not to mention the itchy greed of taking the center position, which heightened the tension in the team.

It could be the last class for everyone, well, _not_ everyone as some trainees advancing to the next level is a given. Kim Jaehwan, although not given enough exposure in the broadcast, is a vocal to be reckoned with. There are the audience’s favorites, like Minhyun, Guanlin and Ong, and of course ‘Naya-na’ center, Daehwi. Jonghyun, a natural born leader,  is a presence that is absolutely needed in the team, keeping everyone together and yet firm and assertive enough to reprimand if they’re slacking. Not that it is needed now since everyone was working hard, driving themselves to their limits, and even pushing past that.

After the ranking announcement, and still a number of trainees left, instead of a perfect number of seven, the team was hit with another decision to make. Who will stay? And who will need to start all over again with a new song, with new lyrics to memorize, new choreography to master?

The filming for the new sorting will take place tomorrow, and thus, reignited the trainees’ energy to work harder, be better, appeal more so that they could stay in the team. It’s a wild survival, causing even the closest of friends to be wary of each other.

“I might not be able to perform this song,” Daehwi mumbled under his breath. He and Sungwoon were leaning against the mirror, taking a short break after going through the dance routine for the nth time of the night. It might be midnight now, who knows, here in this English Village, no one seemed to grasp the concept of time anymore. _Practice_ , _practice_ , and _more practice_ , that’s what everyone prioritized. 

Sungwoon looked at the young boy beside him, sweet sweet Daehwi who was barely holding on. Daehwi who has so much potential and talent, who could charm everyone with his cuteness, freshness and also his whimsical witty sense. He had taken a liking to Sungwoon and clung to him ever since they were sorted into the same room from Day One.

“What do you mean?” Sungwoon asked, “Of course you’re going to stay. I can’t imagine anyone voting you to leave the team.” _Unlike me_ , he added inwardly. “Don’t worry about it.”

“There are three Brand New kids here,” Daehwi replied, “At least one of us is going to leave. I’m up against Youngmin hyung and Woojin hyung. Even if I stay, and any of them won’t, I’d feel bad.” He sighed and dropped his head to Sungwoon’s shoulder, “It’s a given for Jaehwan hyung to be the main vocalist. I’m so jealous. And there’s you, hyung, and Minhyun hyung too. There’s also Seongwoo hyung. If I stay, would I even be able to sing more than a line.”

Sungwoon had no comforting words to offer. Not when he, himself was doubting his stay in the team. Daehwi had a point, in this competition, the more lines, more screen time, more opportunities to appeal in front of the camera, the higher your chance of survival is. In the team, at the moment, everyone seemed to be skilled and worthy enough to stay.

Honestly, Sungwoon thought to himself, if they were to pick by abilities and skills, shouldn’t he at least be in the top 7? He had worked so hard for this song, and he couldn’t imagine going to the other teams. He didn’t work this hard for nothing. However, with the way things are going right now, he had no idea what the future holds.

Daehwi had gone silent, and after a few moments, got up to go through the song once more.

 

* * *

“You’re having a late dinner, hyung?”

Sungwoon looked up and saw Jonghyun approaching him. There were other trainees in the cafeteria but he had no energy to greet them and socialize so he was hidden in the corner of the room, chewing and swallowing his cold dinner quietly.

“Hey Jonghyun hyung,” Donghan greeted, who was bundling close to Donghyun as they shared earphones in the middle of the room. Jonghyun nodded at the two before taking a seat in front of Sungwoon. He slid a bottle of water to the older guy and smiled, “You skipped dinner just now, so I figure that you’d be here.”

Sungwoon took the bottle from his hands and gulped it down quickly after mumbling a small ‘thanks’.

“Why are you eating so late, hyung?” Jonghyun asked, face laced with a bit concern although he tried to conceal it with an encouraging smile.

“Had no appetite,” Sungwoon answered. Frankly speaking, Sungwoon wasn’t feeling well, and even the thought of food couldn’t bring his mood up. “Why are you here?” He asked Jonghyun, trying to at least be a good companion at the moment. Everyone was distressed, one way or another, and he didn’t want to add a problem to the leader. Jonghyun was washing up to go back to the dorm just now, before Sungwoon left the practice room.

“Was about to call it a day, but I figure that I should check on everyone before I go.” No matter how much Jonghyun tried to deny it, his leadership was truly natural, like it’s a part of him now. Sungwoon’s a normal human being, and he hated the fact that he envied Jonghyun for one of his amazing qualities. He eyed the No.1 tag on Jonghyun’s shirt and tried to cast away the green-eyed monster residing inside him. Jonghyun noticed the staring and let out a long sigh.

“Why are you sighing? It’s a good thing, isn’t it.” Sungwoon tried to assure him. They both had debuted before and they were very much aware of how unexpected things can be. Nu’est’s debut was successful to some extent, and they did pretty well and were received warmingly by the people. Hotshot, despite having only a few songs to promote, their little fanbase was close-knitted and Sungwoon was really close to his fans. Both groups had limitless potential but due to some circumstances, it wasn’t going well. But well, with how things are going right now, Sungwoon was relieved that at least Jonghyun is getting the recognition he very much deserves. 

“I just—” Jonghyun paused for a while before breaking into another sheepish smile.

Sungwoon frowned and almost raised his spoon to knock the leader’s head. Despite being of small stature, his hyung-like presence wasn’t questioned amongst the trainees but they usually treat him like a friend as he assimilates well with any age group. Jonghyun let out a snort unabashedly as he leaned back to avoid the elder’s ‘wrath’.

“You can say it,” the vocalist then continued, “I mean, I pretty much know what you’re going to say.”

Jonghyun’s face changed. Not how he had intended to go about this with Sungwoon.  “You’ve made it until here, hyung,” the rapper chided, “What do you mean by that?” He was used to seeing the vocalist joking around with the trainees that Sungwoon’s dejected tone alarmed him. “It’s going to be better, it’s going to be okay tomorrow.”

“You of all people would understand, Jonghyun-ah,” Sungwoon smiled bitterly. “Just because I’m working hard now, that doesn’t mean that it’s going to be well.” Seeing Jonghyun’s obviously disagreeing face, Sungwoon carried on, “I’m barely surviving right now. And most probably, I’d be kicked out of Never team. No, don’t give me that look—you can’t deny it, with me in the team, the part distributions might be a bit difficult.”

The cold dinner was now untouched, and Sungwoon pushed his food tray away. He rested his elbows on the table and cradled his head. Jonghyun’s silence solidified his worry on his uncertain position in the team.

“Jonghyun-ah,” Someone called from the threshold. It was Minhyun. The tall man then directed to the trainee in front of his leader. “Sungwoon hyung, it’s past midnight?” translated to ‘ _you’re only eating at this hour?_ ’ “We’re recording tomorrow. Are you still going to practice later?”

“Is anyone else practicing?” Sungwoon asked. He stood up and grabbed his tray with him.

“Yeah, most of the boys are. Jaehwan and Seongwoo are in the individual room though. Woojin was in the middle of helping Guanlin just now.” Minhyun elaborated. He then turned to Jonghyun, “I’m going to go through a few rounds later, with Seonho. You’re still going back?”

Sungwoon watched as the two teammates talked to each other. He took his chance and excused himself from the cafeteria. Jonghyun, in the middle of the conversation, looked like he had more to say to Sungwoon but the vocalist pointedly ignored his gaze. “I’ll see you later,” He mouthed to them and patted Minhyun’s back on the way out.

 

* * *

“It’s past two now.”

“…”

“You guys are working very hard, huh.”

Sungwoon grumbled from his sprawled position in the practice room in return. Woojin, Guanlin, and Haknyeon were also present in the room but he felt that the nagging was directed specifically at him. Well, that’s rich coming from practice-addict, like No Taehyun himself, he personally thought. Sungwoon rose to a sitting position and gave his fellow team member the stink eye.

“What’s with that look?”

“I see that you’re still practicing as well.” It’s true. Taehyun’s shirt was clinging to his skin, showing that he had just run through Showtime dance routine a few times before sticking his nose in another person’s business. Sungwoon gave him a pointed look, _challenging_.

“You’re sick, Sungwoon.” Taehyun continued nagging from across the room. The younger boys in the room looked at the two Hotshot members warily. “You’re going to collapse if you don’t take a break.”

“I had a break just now. Now, _you_ should be giving me a break.”

“Watch your words, cloud.” The dancer warned. “You ate at past midnight. And you barely touched your food.” Sungwoon frowned, thinking of the ways he’d deal with Jonghyun and his loose mouth. “Don’t stare at me like that. You should take better care of yourself.”

“I’m getting better,” Sungwoon replied. He stopped coughing a few days ago and his temperature seemed normal the last time he checked. The buzzing in his head was still present but that’s just because of the stress acting up.

“I’m not Junhyuk hyung or Moonkyu. I’m not here to baby you when you’re behaving like this.”

“I never said that you’re any one of them.”

“Don’t direct your frustration at me, Ha Sungwoon.” Taehyun had now stepped into the practice room. This further alarmed the three bystanders who had long stopped their practice seeing the fight unfold in front of their eyes. Taehyun stood right in front of Sungwoon, causing the younger one to crane his neck to stare back at his hyung. “Did you even take your medicine today?”

Sungwoon cast his eyes down, looking at his fingers. “Did you?” Taehyun persisted. “You can’t afford to get sick again. I’ll get scolded by Junhyuk hyung if you keep on—”

“If you’re only here to nag at me, then just don’t come at all.”

“Hyungs,” Woojin’s voice butted in before Taehyun could give his piece of mind at Sungwoon’s snap. “The cameras are still rolling now. Why don’t we all take a minute and, um, calm down a bit?” Although none of their words really sound like they’re fighting, they couldn’t afford to give the broadcast team chance to twist the situation into a drama. Luckily none of the cameramen or the PDs were present in the room, they had gone home and left the camera to roll by itself to film the boys’ practice session.

The pent-up tension was shimmering, shimmering and Sungwoon could feel himself getting even more pissed off at nothing in particular, as Taehyun mentioned just now, ‘ _directing his frustration at him’_. He stood up and immediately felt that it was a mistake. All the blood rushed to his head, causing his eyes to lose focus for a split second. Taehyun, who was just in front of him, caught Sungwoon who stumbled in his stance.

“Oh hyung,” Guanlin also rushed over, helping Taehyun to support Sungwoon. “Be careful there.”

“What did I say.” Taehyun hissed, through his gritted teeth. “I swear if you pass out now—” but before the dancer could finish his words, Sungwoon struggled to break free from their grips and quickly walked out of the room.

“Yah, Ha Sungwoon!”

“Give him time, hyung.” Woojin stopped the fellow dancer from following Sungwoon in pursuit. “I understand you but I also understand Sungwoon hyung’s feelings right now. He’s just a bit snappy from the stress and tiredness. We’re all nervous for tomorrow’s recording.”

“I know, Woojin-ah.” Taehyun sighed, “I’m just worried about that brat.”

“Don’t mention it, hyung. Daehwi sulks and acts up a lot too.” Woojin shrugged before continuing, “No wonder they click well with each other. Both are hard-headed and stubborn as hell.” 

“Yeah,” Taehyun smiled at the nineteen-year-old’s comment. “I guess you’re right. If that brat returns and wants to beg for my forgiveness, tell him that I’d be with the Showtime team.”

Taehyun knows how Sungwoon works. All mean barks, but small, small harmless nibs. For a person with words like blades, and shades like spears, Sungwoon, under all of his layers and barriers, is a softie. Back during their early training days, Sungwoon, a priced only grandson of the Ha Family, _spoiled and treasured like the golden spoon he is_ , often butt heads with equally aggressive and outspoken members like Taehyun, and sometimes (read, most of the time), San when he’s tired and cranky.

At times like this, when the vocalist’s closing up on himself, building fences as a form of self-defense, Taehyun usually lets Junhyuk or Timoteo to handle him. As much as he adores Sungwoon, they’re more to the love-hate brother relationship, rather than the quirky ambiguous relationships Sungwoon has with the two eldest members of Hotshot. That was what propelled Taehyun to mention the other two in the conversation just now, and not actually meaning to say that it’s a hassle to take extra care of Sungwoon’s baggage. He wouldn’t do that to his brother.

As Taehyun walked to his own practice room, he couldn’t help but feel helpless for not being able to soothe Sungwoon out of his insecurity. He could’ve worded his intentions better, and not get worked up over the vocalist’s answers to every single one of his word. ‘ _Don’t worry about it, Taehyun_ ,’ he whispered to himself, ‘ _before you go to sleep later, make sure to mend things with the clouds_ ,’. Because no matter what, Taehyun himself is a big softie, especially when it comes to the brat he calls his best friend. _As much as it pains him to admit this, especially in Sungwoon’s vicinity._

* * *

 


	2. two.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> flashbacks, flashbacks.

 

둘

* * *

_"Ha Sungwoon,” Their dance coach called out, hand beckoning the vocalist to come forward. The dance lesson just ended, and it took half of the trainees’ energy away. It was never easy, standing in front of the teacher, and preparing your ears for the scolding that seemed to be inevitable and never-ending day by day. Sungwoon felt Jonghyun patting his back encouragingly as the rest turned to walk out of the room._

_“Yes, sir?” Sungwoon asked as he stopped in front of the teacher. He fixed his cap, making his eyes visible and not covered by the shadow from the headwear._

_“How’s your practice coming?”_

_“Um,” Sungwoon hesitated. To say that it’s going well, it’d be a lie. Every hour spent in the practice room, Sungwoon dreaded it, but he couldn't help but continue pushing himself forward. On top of that, his body temperature began to flare up lately, and he could only hope that it won’t affect his throat and his singing. However, if he were to say that it’s hard, it might sound like an excuse, also creating an unnecessary rift between the members. In the end, he settled for a small, ‘it’s manageable.’_

_Kwon Jaesung nodded his head, before adding, “Believe it or not, I’ve been rooting for you and Taehyun-gun ever since your first evaluation. Both of you have the energy, in your dancing and singing. I really enjoyed it, and I could see how much you want to be here. And just now, what you showed me was what I want to see in every single one of you. The desperation, the product of your hard work, and your burning desire to stay.”_

_The compliments were unexpected, but Sungwoon welcomed it anyway. He could feel his ears reddening, the tips burning slightly under the attention. After months of close to none acknowledgment, Sungwoon finally heard praises coming over his way. The sense of accomplishment was even higher than of what he had experienced during the first company evaluation with Taehyun. But then, he couldn’t bring himself to feel happier—not when the only permanent thing in life is change—he might be complimented today but if he did nothing but to keep up the hard-work, it could all go to waste._

_The coach nodded his head, giving Sungwoon a big smile. “Keep it up.  I want to see more of you here.”_

_“Yes, sir.” He said, making promises to himself, now that he had one more person to not let down. He thanked the coach, feeling his self-confidence restored after being so damn insecure and uncertain with his decision for such a long time, even after coming down for this show._

_“Oh, and Sungwoon,” The coach called up just as Sungwoon was about to leave._

_“Yeah?”_

_“You’re coming up with a fever?” Unconsciously, Sungwoon’s hand crept up to rub against his nose, as the stuffiness began to disrupt his breathing after being pointed out. He smiled sheepishly to the coach, and offered an empty promise of taking things slow and keeping his health in check. “Go ask the staff for some Vitamin C. Practising is good but taking care of yourself is the most important. I don’t understand how you young boys are too vulnerable nowadays.”_

_“Thank you, coach.” He bowed continuously before hurrying and caught up with the rest of his team members._

 

* * *

“Hey,” Taehyun greeted as he poked his head into the room, “Is Sungwoon here?”

The trainees inside the room perked up at the Showtime team leader’s arrival. They looked at each other as if someone would answer Taehyun’s question. Daehwi shook his head, after greeting Taehyun like the sweet kid he is. The rest also gave similar responses to the query. Jonghyun, after getting into his practice wear, moved away from the locker and walked towards the dancer.

“Why, what is it?” Taehyun asked as the ‘Never’ team leader approached him.

“Sungwoon hyung didn’t come back to the room last night.”

“What do you mean? He wasn’t in the practice room when I left some time at almost dawn. I checked before leaving, even the individual rooms.” _Where else could he be_ , Taehyun wondered. He couldn’t be lost, not when Sungwoon was programmed to be very good with directions.  And after spending months here, it’s very unlikely for them to not know their way around. Looking at Jonghyun’s equally worried face, Taehyun then gestured to the rest of the kids, “Who was the last one to come in this morning?”

“Woojin said that Sungwoon hyung didn’t come back after he walked out of the room, you know,” He shrugged, leaving Taehyun to get his hint. When Taehyun returned his gaze with a puzzled face, Jonghyun leaned closer and whispered, “He didn’t return after he left when you came over, hyung.”

Taehyun looked stumped. He wasn’t aware that their little argument had affected the vocalist like that. He couldn’t help but worry, especially when Sungwoon was down with a cold. _How fucking dare he comes up with this disappearing act_ , Taehyun thought. He could only hope that Sungwoon wasn’t being too much of a hard-headed punk that he’d forego eating his medicine. “Did you, or Woojin, mention this to anyone else?”

“No,” Jonghyun assured the dancer, “Woojin was worried, so he told me about it. I told him to remind Guanlin and Haknyeon not to mention this to anyone else.”

“Well, he’s here somewhere,” Taehyun nodded his head, as if to reassure himself that nothing bad could happen to his fellow member. The building is equipped with cameras everywhere, and if he couldn’t find Sungwoon before the recording starts, then his last resort would be to tell the staff. But he doubted that it would all come down to that.

“Don’t worry about it,” He then patted Jonghyun’s shoulder, knowing that the leader was a worrywart just like him. “Maybe the brat slept at other team’s room. I’ll try and ask around. Maybe he’s already with the other boys now.”

“Yeah,” Jonghyun also noted, “I’ll ask Dongho about it at breakfast,” he whispered.

“Catch you there later, Jonghyun-ah. Thank you for taking care of the little troublemaker.” The word ‘little’ made Jonghyun smiled even wider, and he offered a small sorry when he saw Taehyun glaring at him playfully.

“Oh no, hyung,” Jonghyun shook his head, “He’s the one who takes care of us here. He helped both teams a lot with the choreography. If it wasn’t for him, many of us would still be struggling with the steps. He’s all soft even though he’s acting like a tsundere, _wait_ , don’t tell hyung that I said that.”

“That punk,” The dancer bemused, recalling how stubborn and yet so endearing his teammate is. “I’ll give him a beating once I see him. How dare he make everyone worry about him like this?”

 

* * *

“Oh, Sungwoon hyung?” Daniel’s eyes perked up in recognition, head craning to get a better look at the older trainee. “It’s really Sungwoon hyung.”

Sungwoon looked at the Busan man in amusement, noting the very puppy-like features even with a body carved like that. If Daniel has a tail, it’d be wagging, and the skips in his steps were apparent as he approached him. Sungwoon scooted to the side, offering space for Daniel to sit as well.

“What are you doing here, hyung?” Daniel asked, shaking his head when Sungwoon invited him to sit next to him. “I’m leaving soon, breakfast is ready and I don’t want Seonho to gobble everything up.” He giggled, hands clapping to show his amusement, but stopped when he realized that he was still supporting his wrist cast on.

“How’s your thumb?” Sungwoon asked, before Daniel burst into another laughing fit for no real reason.

“Oh, it hurts a bit,” Daniel said as he examined right hand. “But it’s bearable. I think that I’m getting used to it now. How are you then, hyung? Someone mentioned that you had a fever and was sniffling a lot in your sleep. I think Jaehwan mentioned that you didn’t eat much as well.” His face changed into one that Taehyun or the rest of the team members had when they see Sungwoon lately.

“My throat can’t handle heavy meal when I get sick,” Sungwoon explained, “So I usually stick to drinking honey tea or just plain water. That’s why Taehyun and the rest of my members also complain when I get sick, they say I turn into a spoiled baby.”

“Well you already look like a baby now, hyung—ow, ow!” Daniel yelped as Sungwoon kicked his leg. “Hyung, don’t hurt a sick person!” He cradled his right hand in his chest and Sungwoon cried, _‘I kicked your leg, not your hand, Kang!’_ “Well, it hurts nevertheless. Hyung, you’re so scary.” 

“Aren’t you leaving?” Sungwoon decided to cut their conversation short. “If you don’t hurry then Seonho might really eat everything.”

“What about you, then?” Daniel pouted, “Shouldn’t you be charging your energy? And you’re so small hyung, don’t you need food to grow—ow, ow, okay, I’ll stop,” He giggled again as he took a few steps back so that Sungwoon couldn’t reach and try to kick the life out of him. “Oh, before I go,”

Sungwoon nodded up at the b-boy, “What’s up?”

“What were you doing here, hyung? And you’re already in your trainers. Did you not go back to the dorm to rest last night? I know that most of us stayed back but everyone returned back to get some shut eye. Right, before I forget!” Daniel exclaimed loudly, giving no time for Sungwoon to even respond to his first question, “Taehyun hyung went over to your room early this morning but I guess everyone was asleep. He left when he saw the light’s off. ‘Said he has something to say to you.”

“Ah, Taehyun hyung, huh,” _About that,_ Sungwoon thought, he was embarrassed at his outburst so he didn’t feel like meeting up with Taehyun to talk about it just yet. He felt bad about it, making Taehyun his verbal-punching-bag. Before anything else, Taehyun is family, the closest he has in this strange place, the only hand that tied him to a sense of normalcy and balance. Though he might never admit it, having Taehyun around is one of the reasons that kept him fighting and working hard every single day. They’re here, _together_ , and Sungwoon wanted no less for the both of them to gain something from this experience.

“It was nothing, I’ll talk to him later.”

Daniel nodded his head, deemed the answer acceptable. His stomach then grumbled and he was reminded of his pending breakfast. “Walk me over to breakfast, hyung,” Daniel suddenly suggested, “I mean, you kicked a sick person so the least that you could do to make up for it is to walk with me to the cafeteria.”

“Is this supposed to be your plan of dragging me over to eat?” Sungwoon tilted his head, giving Daniel a look of exasperation. But he stood up anyway, thinking that he didn’t have anything more to do in front of this training center here and continue his sulking. Maybe he’d grab a cup of tea at least for today’s breakfast.

“What were you doing here, anyway, hyung?” Daniel asked again as they started their walk to the cafeteria. “I was meeting my company staff for a while to get something my mom sent me,” He patted the front of his jacket, sharing his part of the truth. “It’s for my thumb, some sort of ointment or something. What about you?” He turned to the older trainee, face schooled into a curious expression.

“Had something on my mind,” Sungwoon finally confessed, “So I went for a run?”

“You run, hyung?”

“Yah! Why do you sound so surprised?”

“Well,” Daniel shrugged but still raised his good hand to rub at his shoulder, “Let’s just say that you don’t look like the type to exercise, _no don’t hit me_ —” he cackled as he marched a few steps and gained a distance from Sungwoon all thanks to his damn long legs. “Can’t deny that it’s a good contrast though.”

“Hyung was in track and fields, you know,” Sungwoon bragged and the two continued their bickering as they made their way to the cafeteria.

 

* * *

“ _You fucking child_ ,” Taehyun hissed through gritted teeth. The cameras were rolling and their mics were attached to their shirts. He covered his and lowered it so that it won’t catch what he was saying, not that he really need to be mindful as there were tens other trainees who were all talking at the same time. “Where were you, you little shit, you didn’t come back to the dorm, right? What the fuck, Sungwoon,” He complained, almost at the speed of light, voices hushed but still, one of his hand was busy checking Sungwoon’s temperature.

“You’re still all warmed up, Sungwoon-ah. Did you eat your—”

“You sound like a grandma,” Sungwoon shrugged Taehyun’s hand off of his forehead. “I went for a run just now. And I did go back to the dorm to—”

“Don’t fucking lie to me,” Taehyun said as he brought Sungwoon to the back of the line. Their heated interaction attracted some attention from here and there. Sanggyun even gave Sungwoon a look of sympathy as he saw Taehyun rattling his mouth off. Back to Taehyun, “Your team members said that they didn’t see you back at the dorm. And you skipped breakfast. Do you not need energy for practice later? Why are you being like this.”

“I did go back to the dorm,” Sungwoon insisted.

“I asked Jinyoung and Dongho. So that ruled out you sleeping in any of their—”

“Hyung,” Someone interrupted from the side. Taehyun looked up to see Hyunbin towering over the both of them. “I have something to say,” the model confessed.

“Wait, Hyunbin-ah,” Taehyun held up a hand, “I’m not done with this kid here—”

“Sungwoon hyung helped me last night. I was worried about my parts so we went over the part together. He fell asleep on my bed and I didn’t want to wake him up, so,” Hyunbin looked so guilty like he was the one being scolded at. “Don’t get mad at hyung. He sniffled less last night and even had a cup of chamomile tea.”

Taehyun took in Hyunbin’s words, even narrowing his eyes to see if Hyunbin was telling the truth or helping Sungwoon concealing something. In the end, he didn’t get to continue his ‘interrogation’. The PD called the boys to settle down as Boa sunbaenim would be coming soon. Taehyun walked back to the Showtime team, where the rest of the Reds were actually waiting for him, not before reminding Sungwoon that they would need to have another talk about this.

Sungwoon sighed, but patted Hyunbin anyway, as a small ‘thank you’ slipped out of his mouth. Hyunbin looked so relieved that he could be of help to Sungwoon clarifying things to Taehyun. “No, thank _you_ hyung.” He said, “Even though you’re sick but you still helped me. If you need me to, I can talk to Taehyun hyung again.” Sungwoon smiled at him, grateful for the younger man’s intention. He then quickly urged Hyunbin to go over to his team.

“Hyung,” Seonho turned around, and Sungwoon leaned closer to hear what the maknae had to say. “You skipped breakfast just now. So, if you’re feeling hungry later, just tell me.” He then patted his pants proudly and Sungwoon could see a bulge in his pocket, the gesture entailed that Seonho had stolen some crackers from the kitchen storage again. ‘ _Thank you,’_ Sungwoon offered a grin at Seonho, and despite his heavy heart, he felt warm all over.

 

* * *

But of course, the positive energy didn’t last.

_“I will tell you precisely. Sungwoon came up saying that he’ll give it a go, right? He’ll do well 100%.”_

And yet. Here he was, among one of the trainees who needed to transfer to other groups. He was the last one to enter the room, further fueling the embarrassment that he felt.

He couldn’t blame the others for not voting him for the higher spots as much as he wanted to—they all needed to survive, that Sungwoon was well aware of. He knew that he couldn’t keep the main vocal title, it’s Jaehwan’s by default, after all, considering the package and potential that the kid possesses. But still, he had wanted to stay so badly. Looking past the rivalry and competition for the lines in the song, couldn’t they pick him to at least be on the team, especially when you take into account his skills and determination.

The walk to each room, the pitiful words he spouted, to appeal, for them to look at his way and pick him. _All in vain_.

And when he finally entered ‘Showtime’ practice room, when Taehyun looked at him and offered a bitter smile. That’s when Sungwoon felt the most dejected. The team members gathered around each other and discussed who they’d want on their team. Sungwoon heard it, it’s the same issues again; lines distribution, the ranking, the trainees’ popularity, how they’d fit in with the rest of the group. At that moment, Sungwoon wanted to applaud Moonbok, for keeping the smile on his face, for saying ‘thank you’ and ‘good luck’ even after he was not chosen, for patting Sungwoon’s back and saying, ‘hyung, I guess I’ll be with the IKYK team,’ and ‘I think you suit Showtime better than I do.’

Sungwoon couldn’t do that. Be happy for being chosen, not when the pain was still fresh in his heart. The moment Jisung called out his name, Sungwoon just wanted to cry. The show didn’t stop just because he had a breakdown, he thought and so he stood up and smiled, hugging the rest of the members, and then giving a side hug to Moonbok before he left to see his new group. Taehyun’s hand lingered at his back and from his small smile, Sungwoon knew that they’re okay.

It was so hard for him to keep his face neutral, when thoughts of failure came and resided in his head. And when his grip became tighter in Taehyun’s hold, the other squeezed his hand back. “You did well. Welcome to the team, cloud.”

 

* * *

_“You have to think about the future,” His grandfather suddenly brought up. Sungwoon was home for Chuseok, sans his members (Junhyuk and San) this time. Although he’s not a good cook to begin with, he helped with what he could, and set up the table for the two of them. They make do with what little meal they could come up with and Sungwoon’s aunt had just left after sharing some dishes for the celebration._

_Sungwoon, now immune to The Talk, simply stayed quiet and took a bite of the egg roll._

_“Are you listening to me?” His grandfather pestered._

_“I am,” Sungwoon answered. “I know.”_

_“It’s been 2 years since you become a singer. I’m not trying to discourage you but,” He sighed and put down his rice bowl. The small thud caused Sungwoon to flinch and he also put away his chopsticks. “I’m not young anymore. I could take my last breath at any time now—”_

_“Grandpa,” Sungwoon protested, “Why are you talking about death on such a happy day? It’s been so long since I come back and have a meal together with you. You’re going to live for a hundred more years and continue to pester me and work in the field. God wouldn’t want you to be around and disturb him anyway. Why talk about dying now.”_

_“You insolent brat,” Grandpa Ha muttered. “If only you could run in the field to help me as much as you run that loud mouth of yours.”_

_“I get it from you, I guess.” Sungwoon retorted, face full of mischief as he exchanged playful teases with his grandfather. The old man merely scoffed at his only grandson’s words. He picked up his chopsticks again and poked at his rice. Sungwoon watched with guilt, looking at his grandfather who was aging so fast, and the wrinkles and his cracking bones are one of the indicators of that. On top of that, he still prances around the field, doing work that he could’ve left for someone else to do. What use of the workers that he hired if he’s doing all the job by himself?_

_“I’m going to audition for a show.” The singer stated._

_“Audition? Aren’t you already a singer? That-that, Hot-what is it?”_

_“Hotshot, grandpa.”_

_“Yeah, that—Hot whatever. With your tall friend and the short one.”_

_“I can’t believe you,” Sungwoon pouted, “There are six of us you know.”_

_“I know,” His grandfather insisted, “You, the tall one, the short and loud one, the one that smiles a lot, and the quiet one.”_

_“San is not quiet,” He rolled his eyes. He’s just selectively mute but would talk nonstop if you hit the right buttons. Not to mention, he curses like a sailor so yeah, definitely not quiet. If anything, Sungwoon would be one of the quiet members on his group. Taehyun and Hojung talk about almost everything and would not stop unless they’re dancing (Taehyun) and playing games (Hojung). Even when they’re eating, they’re still loud. The only member who could be considered as quiet is Junhyuk hyung._

_“By the way, you missed one more person.” Sungwoon huffed, thinking of Timoteo who gives life advice like he breathes in air. He’s always talking about the big picture of something, pointing out typos in ads they see in the city and just constantly hyping up the rest of the members. How could his grandfather forget about his best friend, the member Sungwoon always bring over to their abode?_

_“I know, I know, it’s the one with the Pacific Ocean shoulder,” His grandfather said, face smug as he gulped down a bowl of makgeolli after saying that. “But what are you auditioning for? What, is it something like the National Singing Contest?”_

_“I’m not going on your ancient show.” Sungwoon scoffed. Although, as a rookie who is struggling enough to appear on national television networks, it’d be an honour to appear on the show actually. But Sungwoon won’t be admitting that to his grandfather. “It’s a survival show. I’m going on it and compete with 100 other trainees to debut under a new group.”_

_His grandfather sputtered and complained more about the number before coming up with a real question,“What about your current group?”_

_Sungwoon was silent for a few moments. He then answered, “I’d be temporarily on hiatus.” Upon looking at his grandfather’s puzzled face, Sungwoon rephrased his statement, “I will not be performing with them for a while. Unless, if I got eliminated or something.” He shrugged. He thought of himself, of where he had reached now. Useless. Hopeless. All of Sungwoon’s training, the late night practices, belting out those notes, and wearing out his shoes; he couldn’t see the fruit of that yet. His sacrifices, the things he had let go of, the path he neglected for his love of singing and performing is higher than that of sitting in an office, making bad decisions for other people._

_“Then don’t get eliminated,” His grandfather pointed out, pausing Sungwoon of his self-depressing thoughts. “Work even harder for this. If you want it so much, then you have to work for it.”_

_“But what if I fail,” ‘I wouldn’t be able to pick myself up from another failure’, he thought. “What if this isn’t my path?”_

_“Then get married, have kids and continue the Ha bloodline.” Sungwoon exhaled loudly at this, hands cradling his head as he soundlessly laughed at his grandfather’s bluntness. The old man continued, “You have a family to return to even if you fail, Sungwoon-ah. Do you think that life is over if you can’t be a famous singer? You’re still a good singer, the best one I’ve ever known. Fame won’t change who you are.”_

 

_“Do you want me to stop?” Sungwoon asked. “Becoming a singer?”_

_“If you ask me, of course I want you to stop.” His grandfather truthfully said. “But is that what you want?”_

 

"Is this what I truly want?"

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heavy feelings in the next chapter.


	3. three.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning of (mild) panic attacks, and more cloud bromances.

 

셋

* * *

 

‘Take a deep breath,’ Sungwoon tried to remind himself. Stop. Don’t listen to yourself.

However, as much as he tried not to, reminders of his past self continued to torment his mind. The endless run to nowhere, the promises of recognition but not a single glance given to him, words of comfort, any acknowledgment, he ached for it. He still does. Now more than ever. It was tiring—he knew that. Everyone here has their own struggles and wars. Tiredness, pressure, the desperation to show more of yourselves but only to be held down by so many factors, if not, your own thoughts. He wasn’t alone.

Many wanted to quit. Daehwi, Samuel, the younger trainees, who are worth such great distance in this career. Those who have potential to be  a star, those who have so much passion for this, those who carry a town’s worth of expectation behind their backs. There were tens of them, a lot—those with fiery eyes and determined fists, those who have the skills to perform and could bewitch the audiences.

The debuted trainees, A-Tom, Baekho, Jr, Sanchung, Yua, those who had a glimpse of what they could’ve been. Those who had a taste of their dreams but _that was it_. Their dreams remained mere dreams. Unattainable, almost impossible. These people worked just as hard, if not even harder, because they’d presented themselves to the public, not as Kim Sanggyun, or Kang Dongho, Kim Jonghyun, Choi Hadon, or Yoo Kyung Mok. Many had become another shadow to someone else’s spotlight.

Sungwoon knew that. He understood how the world works, one way or another. He knew because Taehyun and him, they were not just Noh Taehyun and Ha Sungwoon. They were, _are_ , Kid Monster and Sungwoon of Hotshot.

It was more than being kicked out of a team. It carried a greater meaning, and unwelcomely, it allowed these degrading and toxic thoughts in. He was out of it. Even when he said something, joked around with the other trainees, greeted the remaining members of the Never team, he could still feel it. Unknowingly, he was slipping inside the hole he barely dug himself out of.

In the back of his mind, he could see it, the end, the incoming loom of a tunnel. He was once inside the deepest part of the tunnel. He remembered how much pain it brought and he didn’t want to go through it again. Once was enough. That was why he decided that this would be his last chance. If it weren’t meant to be, if Sungwoon didn’t belong on the stage with a mic clasped in his hand, then he would step down on his own.

But he couldn’t imagine himself not standing on the stage, or recording in the booth, or even practising his muscles weary every single night. Therefore, with a promise to himself that it would be his last fight, Sungwoon wanted to fight with his utmost strength. He wanted to give it all. This stage meant everything now. If Sungwoon couldn’t perform with his best image, then he could say his farewell to the show already. Not to put himself low, but it’s how these survival shows work, they manipulate with people’s heart but Sungwoon refused to be played.

If he were to burn himself for the last time, he might as well burn himself brightly in the sky—he’d end it with a bang.

 

* * *

 

“Hyung,” Daniel caught Sungwoon’s shoulder in a gentle grip that afternoon.

Sungwoon looked up and smiled at the dancer, though flashes of rejection danced briefly in his inner thoughts, he shut it quickly and greeted Daniel. “What’s up?”

“I just,” Daniel started, fingers picking at his lips, eyes drooped into smaller slits filled with guilt and other feelings that he couldn’t put a name on. “I hope that things are okay between us?”

The vocalist frowned. “What do you mean by that?”

He had a hunch but Sungwoon didn’t want to admit it. He knew what Daniel was beating around the bush for. He couldn’t help feeling a bit betrayed somehow, if not, a little disconcerted that he wasn’t picked for ‘Open Up’ team, considering his potentials and plead to be on it. Daniel picked other trainees who he thought that would benefit more for the team, and there’s nothing that Sungwoon could do about it. Whatever, stuff like this happens all the time, so Sungwoon tried not to hurt his head and pride to ponder about it.

“I really do think that you suit Showtime, hyung,” Daniel finally said after a short moment of thinking about his next words. “I feel like you’d shine more in the team, and,” He paused, inhaled deeply, then continued, “Seonho mentioned something just now and it just,” Another shrug, “It didn’t settle in right with me. I kept on thinking about what he said and… I don’t know. Now I’m here? And I wanted to make sure that things are okay with us?”

“What did Seonho say?” Sungwoon asked, his eyes calculating Daniel’s every movement. Not judging, or trying to find faults, but to figure out—why was this important to Daniel anyway? For him to come forward and confront Sungwoon like this, to ensure that things were ‘okay’ between them. Why go to that extent for another trainee, _another competitor_?

The rued from the Never team was bigger anyway so Sungwoon didn’t quite hold a grunge or anything against Daniel and his team. So what was this tall and broad young man doing, blabbering nervously and looking at Sungwoon like a kicked puppy?

“He said that your hands were cold, in the practice room just now.”

Wait, _what_.

“ _That’s it_?” Sungwoon gaped. Seriously, did Daniel come over to talk to him just because his hands were cold? He wanted to ask more but Daniel was flushed red to his neck, eyes blinking elsewhere as if he was confessing to his crush or something. Sungwoon didn’t want to continue abusing Daniel like that so he decided to just let the matter go.

“I’m fine, and I’ll be alright, cold hands or not,” Sungwoon lightly teased, “Why? Do you want to keep me warm or something?”

“Hyung!” Daniel exclaimed dramatically. “It’s nothing like that at all.”

“ _Daniel,_ ” Someone interrupted from the side, hands gripping and caging Sungwoon in their hold. The vocalist craned his head to look at his captor and saw Jisung hyung looking weirdly at Daniel. So it wasn’t just Sungwoon who found the oversized puppy acting weirdly. “What are you guys talking about?”

“It was nothing,” Daniel clamped up and shook his head. He then looked at the two before finally trying to slip out of the conversation. “I guess I’ll see you around, Sungwoon hyung?”

Sungwoon didn’t have time to process it but Daniel was already saying goodbyes and scurried away. Jisung mumbled something under his breath, probably complaining about how Daniel only said goodbye to Sungwoon and not him as well. The older trainee then looked at the vocalist and tilted his head to the side.

“Should we grab something to eat first?” Jisung asked rhetorically. Before Sungwoon could reply him, he had already dragged the newly added member away towards the cafeteria. “Let’s hurry before the younger kids eat everything!”

 

* * *

 

“Where’s Sungwoon?” Taehyun asked as he entered the practice room. The words now felt like a mantra to him, considering how often he had asked the same thing lately. Little Woojin and Samuel were the only trainees in the practice room, and they greeted the team leader before answering his question. When Taehyun heard that Sungwoon was actually out and about, and not stuck in a room somewhere to work his ass off, he broke into a grin unconsciously.

“Hyung,” Samuel laughed at Taehyun’s expression, “Why are you so happy that Sungwoon hyung is not here? Do you know how creepy you actually look just now?”

“He’s finally having a proper lunch after losing his appetite these days,” Taehyun clarified, giving a little shrug to the other dancer. “And he’s with Jisung hyung so I’m pretty sure that hyung is currently stuffing Sungwoon’s mouth with food.” Samuel ah-ed, and nodded his head, also smiling at the thought of Sungwoon eating properly now. He had also noticed and heard bits of words here and there, on how Sungwoon was constantly spacing off and practicing at every opportunity after the new mission was introduced to them.

“I hope hyung feels better as he practices with us,” Little Woojin said, “He seems a bit down lately.”

Taehyun knew that Sungwoon’s confidence had begun to waver ever since the position mission. He’s sure that some of the trainees could notice that Sungwoon has his little off moments in which he would plug in his earphones and stared into nothingness. That was actually Sungwoon’s way of keeping his focus in check and studies the song in his mind, and at the same time visualising his performance. That’s how the idol could tune right into the concept of a song he’s covering or performing.

“Yeah,” He agreed with Woojin but somehow he felt that Sungwoon was still bottling some unresolved tensions inside him. They had not talked about their previous argument but Taehyun didn’t want to open the Pandora’s box, and therefore creating another issue for them to dispute on.  

Taehyun was aware that Sungwoon was struggling. Even more than others, he could see beyond the vocalist’s façade. He noticed it, in Sungwoon’s little frowns and pursed lips. In his ragged breaths and exasperated sighs. Voices stuck in his throat, moves slightly awkward, as if his limbs were not listening to him and his vocal cords were failing him. Taehyun knew that Sungwoon has the choreography down already, dancing coming as natural to him. He knew that Sungwoon could recite Showtime’s lyrics even in his sleep, because that’s just how Sungwoon is.

Why was he so worried, one would ask that. Naturally, it is not uncommon for someone to worry about their friend. On the same boat as he is, Jonghyun is always seen frowning and nagging at his fellow members. No one batted an eyelash when that happened. Taehyun and Sungwoon though, these two bashed friends are constantly throwing ‘insults’ at each other, harshly joking and trying to beat each other in everything. Everyone was so used to see their hot and cold relationship that it came as a surprise when they began to fuss at one another like a mother hen.

For him to be overly protective and fussy like he was acting at the moment, Taehyun had a sound reason for it. Sungwoon had an episode, few months ago, and Taehyun feared that it would come back once more. He didn’t want to ever witness it again—his friend, his brother, on the floor, wails of regret and frustration booming within the four walls of the room. The thought of that was unsettling, and Taehyun wiped the sweat on his forehead.

‘ _It’s gonna be alright_ ,’ he reminded himself. ‘ _It won’t happen again. I’ll make sure of that._ ’

“Anything wrong, Taehyun?” A hand clasped his back, alerting the leader. He spun around only to see Jisung, with Sungwoon hovering behind the older trainee. Taehyun ignored Samuel’s _‘he’s been frowning in the middle of the room for about 5 minutes’_ , to inspect the presence of the two. “You back already? That fast?” He asked.

“Yeah. I gobbled everything as fast as I could before the kids end up swallowing all the food.” Jisung answered, now moving over to the centre of the room. He looked around, “Where are the rest? We should proceed with practice once everyone is here.” They needed to practice the parts, and make some adjustments to produce a higher quality performance. If they could settle with the technical parts earlier, it’d give more time for individual practices. _Maybe I could get Sungwoon to help Samuel_ , Jisung thought, as the center was having problems with his voice projection.

“Is practice everything?!” Little Woojin screeched from where he was sitting, causing a matching smile to form on his hyung’s faces. However, without anyone’s order, the maknae got up and stretched his limbs, getting ready for another set of hours of practice.

Taehyun looked at Sungwoon, gauging his reaction. That annoying laughter was present but he was still holding back, Taehyun could see. As if he could read minds and notice that Taehyun was thinking of him, Sungwoon looked back at the team leader and raised his brows. Taehyun wanted to say something, anything, a small ‘good luck’ or ‘hang in there’ would be sufficient, but his lips couldn’t part and his felt embarrassed  somehow— _I mean, what if I’m the one worried over  nothing?_

“You look funny,” Sungwoon commented as he finally moved somewhere closer to the walls to stretch.  “Stop staring. I know I’m pretty.”

Taehyun sputtered, gums showing as his jaw hung loosely at Sungwoon’s abrupt self-appreciating ment. Taehyun threw his head back as he let out a relief bark of laughter. At least Sungwoon was bluffing now, and actually attempting to joke around. Taehyun rolled his eyes, turned his back to look at the full-length mirror. He could see Sungwoon’s reflection as the other crouched down to tie his laces tighter and then fixed his pants. Yeah, sure, Taehyun shrugged, he _is_ pretty nice to look at actually.

 

* * *

 

Time waited for no one. They began practising for the next song. Showtime was, how to say this without sounding like a picky ass—it’s just that—Sungwoon knew the song was great, but he had enough of that image. He wanted something more serious, the reason why he had opted for choices of songs like ‘Boy in Luv’, ‘Playing with Fire’ and ‘Never’. The songs were strong, impactful and he could do more with them with his vocals. Showtime was upbeat, fun and exciting, Sungwoon could do upbeat, fun and exciting but at this stage of the competition, he wanted to show more than that.

He fell back into constant practices, plugged his ears with the earphones and had the song on repeat. Focus, focus, focus, and yet, something was wrong.

 

And on this particular day, Sungwoon was alone with his thoughts, once again. Back leaned against the mirror, staring blankly ahead as he tried to catch his breath. His mind slipped in and out of consciousness, treading warily like on thin ice.

There were several others inside the practice room—trainees exchanging laughter and creating memories. Samuel was practising his singing with Woodam hyung. Taehyun, joined by Sanggyun and Woojin were doing whatever they usually do when they make that much of noise. Jisung was sitting beside Sungwoon, offering pieces of words here and there, when he wasn’t mumbling the lyrics under his breath to try matching the right pitch. Other trainees were present as well, as it was their free session. The cameras were off anyway so it made the trainees even more carefree and comfortable.

The chaotic buzz around him did not affect him at all. In the back of Sungwoon’s mind, he opined that the rest must have noticed his odd behaviour but respected him enough to just let him be.

Sungwoon sighed, eyes clamped shut, as he tried to breathe in and breathe out. Breathe in, and then breathe out.

He heard voices, good and bad, warm whispers and devil’s hiss alike, trying to split him into two. He’s a confident man, he’s aware of his own skills, what he’s capable of, and what he could achieve. He knew opportunities would come eventually. But it had been such a long barren journey. As much as he tried to comfort himself, he couldn’t erase the negative comments, the disbelief, the discourage.

The word ‘failure’ seemed to haunt him anywhere. With all of these extraordinary beings around him, small numbers on their tops appearing as if they’re mocking Sungwoon whenever he casted his eyes on them.

It wasn’t healthy, he knew that, but he didn’t know who or which side to trust anymore.

He heard faint singing, squeaking dance shoes and laughter. When he thought of the gifted ones, the ones who just shine whenever, whatever they do, wherever they are, when he sees them, he really wanted to know how it feels to be in their shoes. To be treasured and loved dearly, to be supported and acknowledged, to feel belonged. He wanted words of affirmation. He craved the stage. He wanted to stop being useless. He had been feeling like that, useless, a lot lately. A part of him denied that, but a stronger side of him was caught deep in his webs of emotions, the tangling and suffocating threads of nothingness.

He remembered the look on Junhyuk’s face, when he confessed that it was not going well for him, that the inescapable long wait of recognition was weighing him down. The long hiatus had turned the group into an unsolved puzzle piece. He had so much free time.  He hated it, the fact that their schedule was empty, the fact that he’s always available when his friends call him over for coffee and billiard games.  He dreaded the day when Produce 101 ends, and he wouldn’t be in the Top 11, he would have to get back to his meaningless days.

He didn’t want to return to that time. He hated seeing Junhyuk and Timoteo copped inside their studios, producing tracks that would never be heard by the public. They are amazing producers and composers, and yet Soundcloud was their only channel to share their music. Sungwoon hated it. When San grew quieter by each day, and Hojung would be immersed in exercising to get the hiatus out of his thought, when Taehyun was thinking of going back to his dance crew. _God_ , Sungwoon was reminded again, by how close they were to disbanding and disappearing.

How it was a waste for them to end up as another no-name group. Utter failure.

_Using his friendships to gain fans._

_Reached all this way because of the padding squad._

_Is this all?  Is this the furthest you could get?_

_What a failure._

_What a joke._

_You’ve done enough damage._

_Quit it. This path isn’t for you_.

 

Sungwoon forced his eyes open. His lashes were wet, and he could feel the prickling sting of unshed tears. He turned to his side, and found Jisung’s worried glance at him. He then realised that the room was dead silent. Without looking up, he could feel that the trainees were all looking at him. He wanted to ask ‘why’ or ‘what’s wrong’ but when he tried to say something, his throat felt like it was closing up.

‘Take a deep breath,’ _please_ , Sungwoon prayed. _Calm down, calm down, calm down_. However, the more he wanted to calm down and control himself, the faster his heartbeat thumped against his ribcage, the colder he felt his hands became, and the tighter his throat felt.

Wordlessly, Jisung’s arm raised and rubbed his back. In instant, Sungwoon leaned closer towards warmth and safety. He kept his glance low, trying to relieve the tension he felt around his throat, but he could still feel the invisible hands slowly tightening their choke on his neck. He could barely breathe, god, _what is this feeling_.

“It’s okay,” Jisung whispered, his own voice cracking under the sudden pressure. He then shifted his body to shield the two of them from the rest since he could sense that Sungwoon was uncomfortable with the attention thrusted to him. Luckily, the cameras were not rolling today, if not the editing team would have a field trip with all the drama that they could create.

“Taehyun—” When Jisung tried to call the team leader, Sungwoon groaned. He shook his head, not wanting to involve his teammate in this mess he called himself. Taehyun should not be witnessing this, not again. Sungwoon wanted the floor to swallow him whole, banishing him from any sights, covering his episode so that the younger ones would not see this.

_What a bad example, what a weak man. You’re supposed to be the hyung._

_Taehyun_ , Jisung chastised inwardly, _this damned leader, why was he stuck there like an idiot and not doing anything_. Jisung looked at the mirror and found Taehyun’s reflection. He looked like he’d seen the ghost. He was almost as pale as the panicking Sungwoon in Jisung’s hold.

“We should get out,” Someone said. ‘Give him some space’.

“Taehyun hyung,” Another voice called, “Please do something,”

Sungwoon, still looking down, finally noticed his non-stop trembling hands. He tried clasping them into fists to stop them from shaking. It did nothing, Sungwoon only ended up noticing his pale cold hands, as if someone had immersed his hands  in ice water. He couldn’t even move his hands around to get the warmth back in because he was shaking too much. 

“Hyung,” Someone said, covered by Jisung’s form as the older trainee was still holding him and rubbing his back. It sounded like Jonghyun, but Sungwoon wasn’t sure. He could barely hear his own breathing, and Jisung’s hushed comforting whispers. Jisung turned around slightly and the light exposure caused Sungwoon to flinch. “Hey, hey,” Jisung said, “I’m here, I’m still here. Drink this, Sungwoon,” He tried to push the uncapped bottle into Sungwoon’s hands, “Come on, open your mouth a bit,”

“I—” Taehyun croaked, finally out of his dazed state. “Lemme—” He gently removed Jisung’s hold on Sungwoon and took over his place. The older trainee nodded his head, before gathering the rest to give the two Hotshot members some privacy. Jisung didn’t realise that he was also trembling, worried look painted permanently on his face as he walked his way out of the room.

Taehyun held Sungwoon’s hands that tried to push him away. He pinned them to Sungwoon’s own lap and firmly called out, “Cloud, it’s me.”

“Don’t,” Sungwoon tried. He could barely open his mouth and let out another word, “I—can’t.”

“You can’t what?”

Sungwoon, eyes still shut, tried to gather his thoughts. _It’s safe_ , he assured himself, _this is family_. _Taehyun is family_. _He’s here. He won’t judge. He won’t leave. He appreciates you._

“One, two, three,” Taehyun counted slowly, making sure that Sungwoon was able to join him counting. “I want to hear your voice, come on. Count with me, cloud.” Sungwoon shook his head. _‘I can’t breathe,’_ he whispered. Voice so low, so shattered, that Taehyun almost break down along with him. He released his grip on Sungwoon’s hands, freeing him from his hold. He tried to massage the back of Sungwoon’s neck, _no one is here other than us_ , he reminded the vocalist, _no one is trying to hurt you_.

“I believe in you,” Taehyun persisted, “You can do this. Count with me. One, two, three,” He continued until ten. Sungwoon didn’t count along with him but he finally opened his eyes. He was crying, non-stop streaks of tears running down his full cheeks. Taehyun was starting from one again, voice now calm. He put their hands together, rubbing friction to give warmth back to Sungwoon’s hands. It was sweaty like hell, but Sungwoon said nothing. It was not the time to.

For a few moments, they were silent. Sungwoon’s hiccups and their breathings mingled as background noise. Sungwoon, now a bit calmer, noticed that Taehyun was still kneeling in front of him. It had been quite a while, so his knees must have hurt. He lightly shoved the dancer to the side, causing Taehyun to plop down on the floor.

“One, two, three,” Taehyun was counting again. Sungwoon, in his mind, tried to focus on his teammate’s voice. S _oothing, familiar, warmth,_ _it’s okay to trust him_ , Sungwoon’s mind offered. _Taehyun is family. Taehyun won’t hurt you_.

 _Why am I like this_?

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” Taehyun said. “This is a competition. Our lives depended on this. It’s normal to feel stressed, it’s normal to feel inferior. You are not weird. It’s not just you.” He moved to sit next to Sungwoon, now leaning his back against the mirror as well. From the corner of his eyes, he saw that Sungwoon finally stopped trembling. Eyes now red, shoulders still slumped, but he was no longer shaking. ‘Coast clear?’ Taehyun wondered and he almost asked, ‘are you okay now’ but decided to give Sungwoon time to reorganise his minds.

“You’re here because of you. You’re here because you’re talented. You lead the first mission well. You sang well. Your performance in Downpour? Have you listened to it, Sungwoon? You were amazing.”

 “It’s not enough—”

“It’s enough for me.” The dancer insisted. “It’s enough for Junhyuk hyung, for Moonkyu, for San and Hojung. It’s enough for those who rooted for you. Your family, your grandpa. Can’t you see how many people have your back? And the kids here, do you think that they don’t care about you? Samuel, Daehwi, Jinyoung, god have you seen how Guanlin looks at you? These kids adore you. You’re good. Don’t put yourself down. Everyone knows you’re good so why don’t you—”

“I do know,” Sungwoon said, “It’s just that—”

Taehyun was first for the dancing evaluation. He wouldn’t understand. He was recognised, his talent acknowledged, his presence appreciated. He’s going to leave Sungwoon one of these days. They barely talked here. Taehyun has new friends. They like him. He wouldn’t understand. He would not. And Taehyun has endless possibilities even when he’s out there. It’s just how Taehyun is.

“You remember why we come here?” Taehyun asked after a brief silence.

“This is our last chance.” Sungwoon nodded, of course he knew why they decided to apply for this survival show. He didn’t need to be reminded of it each day. It was already ingrained in his mind.

“I don’t know how to say this,” Taehyun sighed, he’s no Junhyuk hyung or Moonkyu who would know the right thing to say. When Sungwoon had his episode a few months back, Taehyun was there, like how he was just now. Dazed, scared, stoned. The two elder members of Hotshot were the one who picked Sungwoon up. Cried along with him, patched Sungwoon up after his breakdown. Even now, when they were side by side, Taehyun was still struggling with how he was supposed to phrase his thoughts.

“We’ve come a long way to get here. It’s a waste for us to just stop now.”

Taehyun nudged Sungwoon’s shoulder. “My heart hurts when you’re hurting like this. I care for you. I don’t want you to condemn yourself like this. We used to enjoy being on stage, Sungwoon-ah. Stressing over it is normal but remember your own words, good things come to those who wait.”

“We’ve been waiting for forever.”

“We can still go on with forever,” Taehyun insisted. He looked at his friend, a brother to him. He hugged Sungwoon and then gripped him a bit tighter. “Each of us might take a little more time, but I’m sure. I’m confident that we can do this.”

Sungwoon nodded but his mind was still clouded by false judgments. How could simple words from Taehyun be enough to get rid of the monster that Sungwoon had been feeding since long ago? Sungwoon himself could not shut it down. He couldn’t help but listen to it—listen to how it taunts Sungwoon with Inevitable failure.

When he returns from this show, the company would not change overnight. Hotshot wouldn’t come up with a song right away and succeed. Some people would still look at them, or even just read their name and scoff, _‘Hotshot? Another no-name group? Why the heck does everyone wants to be an idol now?’_

Sungwoon hated it. He hated himself.

“What am I going to do?” Sungwoon asked. Taehyun looked at their precious vocalist and thought about how Hotshot could never lose him. To be honest, Sungwoon is one of the reasons the group had stayed together despite the hiatus and the uncertain future. That was why when Sungwoon had collapsed in the middle of the practice room, it became their turning point. They couldn’t just stay idle and wait for things to change. It was time to take the matter into their own hands. Hiatus be damned, they’d fucking come out of the dark tunnel by hook or by crook.  

The dancer stayed mum for a few moments.

“Sungwoon-ah,” He finally called, “When was the last time you really enjoyed performing?”

Sungwoon knew the answer—he asked himself the same thing before. He had thought about it and for sure, it had been such a long time since he went up stage, enjoying singing and dancing. The one he remembered the most was probably when Hojung and him did the stage for one of their fanmeetings, where he sang ‘The Words I Love You’ and ‘Sunday Morning’ accompanied by Hojung’s guitar strumming. He recalled how much fun he had preparing for the stage, how he felt flutters in his heart before going up, before sitting in front of their loyal fans, and he missed it. He missed it a lot. He knew that Taehyun breathes in dancing, that he enjoys every little second he gets on stage. Somehow, he envied that. 

“It’s been a long time.”  _Really_.

“I just,” Taehyun sighed, “I want you to enjoy yourself on the stage this time. It would be our first stage together in a long time, it would mean more to me if you truly enjoy being on the stage, dancing and singing, with me. It’d be like Very Good all over again.”

“Fuck you,” Sungwoon pushed him back, a smile finally forming on his face, “I was a nervous wreck when we did Very Good. Luckily we were both put in the A Class.”

“That says a lot about your talent and potential, Sungwoon-ah. Remember that.”

Sungwoon sighed and rubbed his palms together. He settled with a small ‘yeah’ and let the smile stayed on his face. He felt better now, if not slightly. Talking with Taehyun cleared his mind a bit, without ignoring the fact that yes, he’s a bit messed up somehow and it’s okay. It’s normal to feel this way.

Taehyun grabbed Sungwoon’s hand and gripped it tightly in his hold. He was looking elsewhere and Sungwoon understood that. If they were somewhere else, under other circumstances, Sungwoon could never imagine that they’d be holding hands like this. It made him a bit sheepish somehow.

“I can’t do this without you,” Taehyun confessed, “You’re not the only one feeling this way. I feel uncertain about the future too. I’m fucking worried, Sungwoon-ah.” And Sungwoon noticed that too. He witnessed first-hand how much Taehyun had constantly worked hard. To think of it, it’d be unfair for Sungwoon to think that he had it worst here. There are others, with similar problems, if not even heavier pressure to do better. He felt bad that he couldn’t be as strong as Taehyun in this war of nerves.

“However, you are here. The fact that you’re here, with me, makes things much better. Let’s both do well for this stage.” _If not for yourself, please do it for me_ , Taehyun begged, I _cannot do this without you. So I need you to be on your best shape._

“I need you to be strong,” Sungwoon nodded his head as Taehyun continued his words. At this point, he could only try. “I need you to be here for me, _with me_ , so please, promise me that you’d hang in there?”

“Okay,” Sungwoon promised. He brought their intertwined hands to his chest, close to where his heart is. Softly, he whispered, “Thank you.”

“We’ll make it. I’ll make sure that you’d shine on the stage.”

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seonho really did mention Sungwoon’s cold hands before they revealed who’d stay for ‘Never’ team. I found it so cute that the two babies were holding hands so heart-warmingly in that frame. However, the lurking dark side of me then noted how nervous and anxious Sungwoon must’ve felt at that moment. Thus, it set another unsettled fire to my poor heart.
> 
> And the list of the debuted trainees up there. Ah… Too much angst. I’m sad uwu.
> 
> Also, I wrote this after JBJ’s first concert. And. Taehyun’s ment. :C Someone please hug me. 
> 
> Update:  
> I took a break from writing. Then came back when The Unit final line-up was broadcasted. It fucking hurt when Timoteo’s name wasn’t called :( again, I took the time off because I’m fucking mad about it, and I got busier with classes and assignments. 
> 
> On the brighter side, Hojung made it!!! So please support Ko Hojung of Unit B/UNB. my boi deserves it pls uwu support unb on their upcoming debut! 
> 
> Update:  
> I came back again. This time, the writing was spurted because I was mad that Sungwoon isn’t being given the chance to showcase his potential (in singing, in variety shows, in fucking whatever) and there was this case when his birthday ad was vandalised? Like? How fucking dare you???????? 
> 
> But enough with negativity, this story is coming to an end very soon because I feel like I should be moving on from the ‘bad’ highlights of Sungwoon’s journey. I will try to focus on the happy moments as Sungwoon will also only walk on the 꽃길.
> 
> see ya :D (very soon I hope...)


	4. four.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the last one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _for woonie’s birthday _❤☁__

 

넷

* * *

 

 

A year ago, Sungwoon would never imagine it.

The immense attention from the public.

The love and support from the people around him.

 

_“Honey-like voice,”_

_“Amazing personality,”_

_“Endless perseverance,”_

_“8 seconds miracle, a god-like presence,”_

_“Small and precious,”_

_“A gift for us, fairy Sungwoon,”_

 

As much hatred he receives, the discouraging words, degrading terms thrown at him, Sungwoon learned to live with it. The good ones, he keeps it dearly in his heart; the not-so good ones, he’d take it as well—the things that are valid, constructive comments, he’d consider carefully and as for the baseless accusations, he’d decided not to mind it much.

Of course, it still hurts. But. He chose this path. And he would choose this life over anything else, even if time is turned around. That is his resolution, coming from a 15-year-old Ha Sungwoon and is still well kept by the 24-year-old one.

The joy of being up there on the stage—dancing and singing, communicating with his fans, it became his vitamin. He learned to appreciate every opportunity he got. It was overwhelming at first, very fascinating, but he vowed to never keep his head high up there. He knew that this is only temporary, and over the years, he’d return to the ground where he had started.

Until then, he’d stay in the clouds. He knew to keep his distance lest he gets burn if he gets too close to the sun. ‘Stay humble’, someone had reminded him, and Sungwoon took those words very seriously.

He was at rock bottom once, where everything was poisonous, even his own mind. Sitting on the practice room, his reflection was his only companion. It would stare back at him, the fire in his eyes dimmed, almost burning out. But Sungwoon had gotten up, and pushed forward, never stopping.

From the 25th, he rose up to the third spot.

And finally securing the 11th spot, making him the last member to join Wanna One.

 

* * *

 

He returned to the dorm for the last time, getting ready to leave his home for the next a year and a half.

The moment Sungwoon opened the door, Junhyuk held him in his arms, all tears of happiness and warm whispers, “You were amazing. You did us proud. You deserve it.”

And Timo, warm hands cradling Sungwoon’s smiling face, with a firm voice he said, “I am _so_ proud of you.”

San nonchalantly congratulated him, but he couldn’t erase the wide smile he had on his face and how his eyes had twinkled with excitement and happiness. Hojung, ever the bright friend, had hugged Sungwoon as well, never letting go until their tangled bodies fell on the couch.

“These beagles,” Taehyun grumbled from where he was sitting. However, like the rest of the members, he was supporting a similar proud look. The dancer was free from makeup, already washing up right after he returned to the dorm. “Hey, superstar,” He called Sungwoon, “Don’t forget to clean your face. You’re gonna be plastered all over South Korea after this. You need to maintain your beautyTM.”

“Stop harassing him,” Junhyuk said from where he was standing.

Taehyun, good-naturedly, joked back, “It hasn’t even been a day and you’re already giving Sungwoon the celebrity treatment? How could you hurt me like this, hyung?”

“Oh hush,” The leader replied, “You know I love him more than you anyway.”

“What the hell,” Taehyun gasped. He stood up, did a little stretching, before diving into the mess that is Hojung and Sungwoon, startling those two. The three then erupted into loud giggles as they mock-wrestled each other.

“Please keep it low,” San sighed, “It’s past 3 in the morning.”

Timoteo patted San’s back before joining the lump of muscles on the couch, “It’s a happy day, San-ah, you’re welcome to join us.”

 

* * *

 

“You promised not to cry,” Sungwoon sighed, hugging the leader back, squeezing a tad tighter. Junhyuk had always been emotional, but a strong pillar indeed where Sungwoon could always find solace in. “It’s not like we won’t be able to see each other anymore.”

“It’s just that,” Junhyuk sniffled, “I’m going to miss your bratty face so much.”

“They better take very good care of you,” Hojung also butted in, “You’re our precious cloud after all.”

“Not mine,” San contributed from the door.

“Don’t mind him,” Hojung supplied, “He’s sad that you’re leaving but he’s in denial about it. No one can entertain him when it comes to games anymore.”

“Look at our maknaes,” Junhyuk said to the other older members, “They’re so cute.”

“No thanks,” Taehyun replied. “Not that cute when they’re biting your skin until it bleeds.”

“You’re the one who dove into their lair first,” The leader reminded, “Now come here and kiss Sungwoon goodbye as well.”

“It won’t be our last time meeting,” Taehyun complained, but got up anyway. He side-hugged the vocalist but couldn’t look at him in the eyes. It was over too soon, but what else to expect from Noh Taehyun. He’d bring his stubbornness to his grave after all.

“Take care of yourself,” Timoteo said. He and Sungwoon had been holding hands since before and both didn’t want to let go just yet. Timo is Sungwoon’s best friend, his other counterpart as much as they are diverse from each other. Sungwoon has always have Timo stuck to his hips, glued with him and they do almost everything together. Going on vacations, singing at karaoke lounges, go to a post-recording dinner together, cry and laugh— _always the two of them_. It’d be strange for them to be apart from each other.

“I’ll miss you,” Sungwoon mumbled, lips downturned, smiling sadly.         

“I’ll miss you too,” Timoteo nodded his head, burying Sungwoon in his wide shoulder once again. This brief separation is for the best. A year and a half, after that, Hotshot will return even stronger. Until that day comes, they’d all need to do their best. “Make sure you return with no scratches and bites.”

“ _Not the ones he wouldn’t like_ ,” Taehyun smirked.

“What’s that supposed to imply?” San asked, brows arched and smile curious like the gossip he is.

“I’ll tell you after Sungwoon leave,” The main dancer teased, as he sent a wink over Sungwoon’s way.

“Stop bluffing,” The vocalist then rolled his eyes as he finally parted from Timoteo’s hug.

“Are you guys done yet?” Their manager hyung called from the elevator. “I’ve been standing here for over ten minutes. You have been saying the same things since this dawn. Sungwoon,” He gestured to the vocalist, “Let’s leave before the boys start again.”

Junhyuk laughed, “Hyung, don’t act like you won’t cry after you send Sungwoon over to his new dorm.”

“Well,” The manager hyung shrugged, sniffling a bit, “I’ll cross the bridge when I get to it.” Even if the other members noticed his glistening eyes, they decided not to comment on it. Sungwoon looked away, also feeling the sting of unwanted tears. _It’s supposed to be a happy day, damnit._

 

 

* * *

 

Just another night at Wanna One’s dorm.

“You are too cute,” Jisung said, with face stern but eyes fond. “I won’t be able to survive these 2 years with you looking like this every night.” _I might need to bleach my eyes to get rid of the excessive fluff_ , Jisung added but Sungwoon decided to pretend that he did not hear such thing.

“What nonsense are you spurting, hyung?” Sungwoon asked as he put down the strawberry bowl he had been hugging. He then pouted, “Who the heck are you calling cute, hyung?”

“Did he not know how red his cheeks are,” Jisung sobbed openly in the kitchen. His cries startled Guanlin who was reaching for the frozen yoghurt in the refrigerator. “Look at his natural blush AHHHH,” Jisung exclaimed, as his hands tried to reach for Sungwoon’s cheek.

“Is this normal?” Sungwoon asked Daniel who had just entered the kitchen. “Like how did this not come with the manual? Stop trying to bust my cheeks hyung. I am not cute really.”

Hearing that, Daniel and Jisung shared a look before squealing at Sungwoon’s cuteness.

“Lai Guanlin, come here,” Sungwoon pulled the maknae closer to the table, “Now help hyung to stop these pranksters.”

“Sorry can’t do, Sengun hyung,” The rapper declined, “You’re too cute for me to disagree with the other hyungs. Deal with it,” He said, before smiling sweetly at Sungwoon and then taking his leave.

 

 

“This is not normal really.” Sungwoon complained as he plopped down on Daniel’s bed. Seongwoo was sitting on his own bed, above Jisung’s. “They were totally acting like kids. Are they pulling my leg or what? I’m not used to this extra hype.”

“Have you looked at yourself in the mirror, hyung?” Seongwoo offered uselessly.

“Not you too,” Sungwoon sighed. He threw Daniel’s peach plushie towards Seongwoo. It hit the idol in the middle of his chest and Seongwoo, the drama king, fell to his bed, wheezing out empty air. As usual, Sungwoon merely laughed at Seongwoo’s antics before continuing with his complaints. “I mean, I know my Hotshot members used to fuss over my cheeks but never to this extent. Is this normal or does it happen to just our team? Have they ever been like that with you?”

“I’ll bite Daniel’s finger off if he dares to touch me,” Seongwoo chuckled, “But not Jisung hyung’s finger though. He’s too precious for that.” Seongwoo then continued, “Was Taehyun hyung like that to you too? I know he’s always all over the younger trainees back in Produce but with hyung, he’s more proper? Like is that a thing? Um, do you get what I’m trying to—”

Sungwoon understands Seongwoo completely. He knew how sometimes Seongwoo would struggle with expressing certain thoughts. At times, he’d get too excited or too into his playful moods, but there’d be times where he’s composed and dependable. That’s why Sungwoon favours Seongwoo a lot. Sungwoon feels like he can match with and adjust to Seongwoo’s personality easily.

“Taehyun is not that affectionate to me. We have known each other for too long that perhaps the fire has burnt out.”

Seongwoo cackled at Sungwoon’s answer. “Someone would be jealous if they hear you phrase it that way.”

Before Sungwoon could retort to that, the door busted open, startling the two male. It was Jaehwan’s doing, entering with a towel hanging loosely on his hip. Sungwoon could hear the noise even before Jaehwan open his mouth, “Shower’s open, my dear peasant. Better hurry up before the maknaes make a nest inside the bathroom—oh, Sungwoon hyung’s here?”

“Yeah, we were gossiping.” Seongwoo whispered.

“Ohh,” Jaehwan cheered as he closed the door behind him. “Who are we talking about? Jinyoung? Minhyun hyung?”

“No one. We’re not gossiping.” Sungwoon answered as he eyed Jaehwan’s towel in distaste, fearing that it might fall off if Jaehwan continues to fuss around like that. “What makes you wash up this early? This is unlike you.” He commented. Oh well, spoke so soon. There’s still lather behind Jaehwan’s ear and Sungwoon decided not to tell him about it.

“Sungwoon hyung was complaining about how we treat him like a baby in this house.”

Jaehwan blinked. Once, twice. Then he turned to Sungwoon, “Is this a cute person’s thing? Pretending not to know that you’re cute so that people would call you cute more often?”

“Did you slip in the bathroom?” Sungwoon slapped Jaehwan’s skin. “How on earth did you come up with that?”

“I don’t see the problem here?” Jaehwan shrugged. “You’re cute. It’s a given for us to fawn over your cuteness?” The main vocalist then tried to sneak a hand to pinch Sungwoon’s cheek but the older one dodged, swatting Jaehwan’s fingers away.

“Okay, case closed.” Sungwoon decided. “I’m not cute. I’m a sexy adult and I don’t need to be babied like this. I’m manly. After Kang Dongho, I’m probably the manliest trainee of all.” Sungwoon rolled his eyes as the two younger members laughed their asses off at his statement.

“Suit yourself,” Sungwoon dejectedly said as he walked away, leaving the two friends to continue cackling like high hyenas.  

 

* * *

 

“I swear,” Sungwoon mumbled grumpily. “They’re worse than you guys.”

Jongin, in front of him, snorted, “Well, you can’t blame them. You are fun to tease, and very cute indeed. Where’s the lie in that?”

Both of them were in their performing attire, at the backstage for one of the year-end music festivals. There were busy crews around them, some other idols walking here and there. Sungwoon spotted Guanlin, Jihoon and Jinyoung walking passed them, with the ever-surprised looks on their face as they saw Sungwoon with Kai of EXO.

“It had been quite a year.” Jongin commented. “For all of us.”

“Yeah,” Sungwoon nodded.

 

Jimin had propelled into the starlight, receiving equal love and hate from the public. He may not show it but it’s hard—and the rest tried to be there for him, giving him a sense of normalcy and warmth as much as they could. Jongin, as usual, continued his mission to take over the world. Not everything was sunshine and rainbow though. He had his ups and downs. As a member of EXO, everything he does is bound to be criticised and scrutinised over.

On the other hand, for the first half of the year, Sungwoon had struggled, doubted himself, hurt himself for he had thought that he wasn’t enough. That the path he chose was not right. That he could never get up from this failure. It was miserable. He never wanted to feel like that ever again. Then, after meeting Wannables, being a part of Wanna One— _really_ , he was reborn. However, with the flowery path, come along the thorns and the bees. 

Meanwhile Taemin had lost someone very dear to him, someone who was actually close to all of them. The first few days since the incident happened, none of them was the same. It was hard to talk about it. Even now.

Timoteo. Timo had decided to try again. For the sake of the brighter future, for his own growth as an artist, he applied for The Unit. Sungwoon wished him the best really, because he deserves it. It’s about time for the rest of the world to witness what a great person Kim Timoteo is. How he is broad in perspective, how he could sing, dance, choreograph, and lead a team with responsibility. How he tries to make everyone stands out and have their moments on their stage. Because more than anyone else, Timo understands what it’s like to be a mere shadow.

 

“2017 was one hell of a ride.” Sungwoon concluded.

“2018 will be even crazier, Ha Sungwoon.” Jongin warned. Someone was already calling him down the hall. In response to that, Jongin raised his arm and nodded. Before leaving, he turned to his friend and brought an arm around Sungwoon’s shoulder, “You’ll be a bigger star. And with that starlight, darkness will also be there. The power of doubt will be greater.”

“I know,” Sungwoon replied. The past few months were frantic and he had a glimpse of what the future entails. “I still can’t believe that I’m here. I know it’ll be even crazier in the future, but I guess it’s all worth it. I hoping that it will. At least now I can sing and dance without hating myself.”

“You’d do amazing. It’s in your blood.”

“I hope your words come true, your highness.” Sungwoon nudged his best friend. “And maybe one day, with Moonkyu, we could all shine on the same stage.”

“It will be even more meaningful.” Jongin said, also imagining the joy of seeing all of his friends making it and achieving their dreams. “I’ll be waiting for that day.”

“You know,” Sungwoon carefully said, “We’re starting to freak people out by staring into each other’s eyes like this. I know it’s kinda romantic but I think your manager is starting to hyperventilate.” Sungwoon tapped Jongin’s arm around his shoulder to emphasise his point. Jongin smirked and Sungwoon knew that it only meant trouble. He put a hand to stop Jongin from advancing and trying to look like he would kiss Sungwoon any second now.  

“Who are you trying to save yourself for?” Jongin teased, pulling away from his half-hug with Sungwoon.

“ _No one_ ,” Sungwoon hissed, pinching Jongin’s side lightly, “What are you talking about?”

“If a particular puppy sees this,” Jongin trailed, but Sungwoon caught the connotation anyway.  Guffawing, Sungwoon felt betrayed because _hello, you’re supposed to be my best friend and on my side, Kim Kai?_

“Because I’m your friend that I’m saying this,” The dancer responded, shrugging nonchalantly. “Anyway, I should really go now. I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah,” Sungwoon said, also preparing to make his leave. Suddenly, without any warning, Jongin planted a wet smack on his cheek and ran away hurriedly. For Sungwoon, it was just another playful habit from one of his best friends.

For the rest of Wanna One though,

 

“What the hell was that?”

“Hyung, I want a kiss from EXO too!”

“Is it me or did I just saw Kai sunbaenim kissing Sungwoon hyung?”

“Are you guys dating?”

 

“It’s just a friendly gesture,” Sungwoon tried to calm his members down. “He’s just joking.”

“But,” Daniel started—face still alarmed and surprised as if someone had eaten the last piece of pizza that he had saved for later. “It’s in public? And you guys are stars? Idols? What if someone takes that wrongly and write about it?”

“ _Oh_ , Euigeon,” Jisung patted his fellow member’s back, “If you feel that it’s unfair, why don’t you plant a friendly kiss on Sungwoon too?”  His suggestion made the other members laughed but caused Daniel’s face to burn in red.

“Lay off him,” Sungwoon dismissed. “Come on, we have a show to do.” 

 

 

* * *

In times of hardships, when doubts start to cloud his mind, Sungwoon would close his eyes.

He would think of himself—why he started, how he loves what he’s doing, how much everyone counts on him, how he has so much more to offer. He would remember that he has his friends, his brothers, to count on. That they will always have his back.

The road may be dark—it may be filled with pointing fingers, negative comments, misleading words that are meant to hurt him. He may lose the people he cares for, may be ridiculed and criticised, may one day be forgotten.

But today, he stands, for those who trust him, and most importantly for himself.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday ha Sungwoon. ~~섹시하자~~  
>  행복하자


End file.
